Collection of Forwarded Mails

I noticed that there was a rather dashy blonde in another check-out line. Our eyes met, she raised her hand to wave, and smiled a "Hello" to me. I was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving and, although she looked familiar; I couldn't place where I might know her from. As luck would have it, I saw her a few minutes later in the parking lot as she was loading her groceries, so I approached her and said, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replied, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my kids." I was rather panicked, but my mind shot back to my one and only sexual indiscretion. "Holy crap," I exclaimed (much too loudly), "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your girlfriend whipped me with wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?" She looked up, smiled and replied, "No... I'm your son's English t...

Dear Ah Lian Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find. You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look? Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly. You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright. Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must come with your hole family. I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me. Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free t o call me. Goo bye..... Worm regard, Ah Beng

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:- Dear Dad , It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me ( anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it? ), and has no money, really these things shouldn't ...

A lawyer and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a long flight.   The lawyer is thinking that Italians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy... So the lawyer asks if the Italian would like to play a fun game. The Italian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Italians attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.   The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Italian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.   Now, it's the Italian's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and com...

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610' ==================================== Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College . Friend: Really, what is he studying. Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him. ========================================== Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game. =========================================== Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister. ========================================= Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD' Wife: How do you know?? Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again. =========================================== Ah Ben...

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans. Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits Girls want to control the man in their life. Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling. Girls check you for not calling them. Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't. Girls are afraid to be alone. Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth. Girls ignore the good guys. Grown women ignore the bad guys. Girls make you come home. Grown women make you want to come home. Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man. Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man. Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends). Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends! Girls think a guy c...

9 WORDS WOMEN USE (1) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3)NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4)GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when y...

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local newspaper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN A...

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2007.         The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:                Room Service (RS): 'Morrin. Roon sirbees.'        Guest (G): 'Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.'        RS: 'Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??'        G: 'Uh..yes.I'd like some bacon and eggs.'        RS: 'Ow July den?'        G: 'What??'        RS: 'Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?'         G : 'Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?        Sorry, scrambled please.'         RS: 'Ow July dee baykem? Crease?'         G: 'Crisp will be fine.'         RS : 'Hokay. An Sahn toes?'        G: 'What?...

The Silent generation, people born before 1946.  The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.  Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.  Generation Y,   people born between 1980 and 1995.  Why  do  we  call  the  last  one  Generation Y?  I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new! 

My neighbor has lost her puppy and is desperate in finding him. She does a lot of traveling and always brings her dog with her. Yesterday, she was sitting on the sofa watching TV when she realized she hasn't seen her puppy in a while and can't even begin to think when or where she last saw him. She has been putting up signs everywhere. (See below). If you have seen this dog, please let me know and I will notify her. Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Dear Madam: I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Lahore. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.I am a soiled son from inside Punjab. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am a fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot. I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay. Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top.That is how nice I am. I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the Jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pum...

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. 2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen. 3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. 4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" 5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

1. The nice men are ugly. 2. The handsome men are not nice. 3. The handsome and nice men are gay. 4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. 5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. 6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. 7. The handsome men without money are after our money. 8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. 9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards. 10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some>money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST>MOVE!!!! 11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative. NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN? "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep th...

I have one You have one mother uses father's one And auntie uses uncle's one A married lady would acquire one But a divorced lady would lose her one A Pope doesn't use his one Mao Ze Dong had a hairy one Lord Krishna had a long-long one Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one Michael J. Fox has a shorter one Madonna doesn't have one The Chinese usually have short ones While the Indian usually have long ones Do you have one? How long is your one? Which one is your preferred One? : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : Ans : Surname

TV Compare: "Ah Lian, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of one million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong, you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Ah Lian: "Sure, I want to go!" C: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it........ A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Remember Lian its worth 1 million dollars." Ah Lian: "I think I know, but not really leh! No, I dunno. I'd want to phone a friend, want to make sure." C: "Yes, who, Ah Lian, do you want to phone?" Ah Lian: "I'll phone my friend Ah Huey" (ringing) Ah Huey: "Hello..." C: "Hello Ah Huey, it's the TV Compare here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire - I have Ah Lian here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a millionaire. The next voice you hear will be Ah ...